Free Story: An Otherwise Ordinary Kind Of Life

“An Otherwise Ordinary Kind Of Life” and many other exciting stories are available NOW in Kevin Strange’s short fiction collection, Murder Stories for your Brain Piece on Amazon Kindle and in paperback here

An Otherwise Ordinary kind of Life

So one time, I woke up in a cell completely naked, chained to a dirty, piss soaked wall. I couldn’t remember how I got there. I was totally like, freaking out until this guy in a leather coat blew the hinges off the door and chopped the chain in half with these crazy blades that were attached to his forearms.

He explained to me that I was a secret agent, that I’d been drugged and interrogated by the enemy and then left in here for dead. He was a secret agent, too. And fucking sexy. He was muscular and had a shaved head and tattoos. I guess he thought I was sexy too, ‘cause he kept looking at my naked tits, even though I was doing my best to cover them up.

I guess I’m sexy. I think I’m kinda short and I’m a fuckin’ Ginger. All these freckles and pale skin—I don’t see how dudes think I’m hot. I guess it’s the fact that I’ve got C cup tits even though I’m only five-one. Dudes dig little chicks with big tits.

When he grabbed me to pull me up off the filthy floor, he reached around just a little too far and copped a feel. I didn’t mind. I liked the way his big hands felt on me. We didn’t have time to do anything about it, though. Before I could even offer to blow him for rescuing me, a pair of Slime Lords burst into the room. They were big nasty looking things, all green, but transparent, with tons of weird bubbles or pustules constantly popping and moving around. They were basically just gigantic lumps with enormous drippy mouths and eyes big as dinner plates.

My hero tried to fight them, but they got a hold of him pretty easy. They swallowed him whole, one on each side, chomping him in half in the middle. It was awful ‘cause you could still see him in there, thrashing around while their slime stomachs dissolved him alive, absorbing him into themselves.

The last thing I remember is falling on my ass in a puddle of my own piss as the Slime Lords descended on me.

Another time, and this one was really fucked up, I woke up as a man. I’d never done that before. I was a dude, I had a cock and everything. How would I know what a cock feels like, you know? But I didn’t let that stop me from jacking off the moment I spotted the big ole thing.

It was fuckin’ huge, man! I mean, I was packing some meat! The head was this gnarly purple thing and there were fat blue veins all over it. I had a god damn thick black bush too! I must have came in like 30 seconds, all over my own stomach. I mean, I know what cum on my stomach feels like, but god damn!

That one was intense. Maybe the most real one I’ve ever had. Shit was going fine, I started jacking off again, thinking about trying to find some skanky hoe to fuck, when those gigantic red worm things shot up from under my bed and dragged me into whatever pit they’d crawled out of. They looked like earthworms but each of those segmented parts was covered in a red plate. Some kind of armor, I guess. Their mouths opened like six different ways with all these nasty feelers and claws inside there. My naked ass and huge cock didn’t stand a fuckin’ chance. They were on me like stink at a shit convention. And damn man, all I wanted to do was jack off! But no, instead here I am playing chew toy for monsters from the center of the earth. One of them even bit my dick off! How fucked up is that? Sometimes I think this shit is really starting to fuck up my brain. Fry it and shit. Bad news . . .

Oh! I remember waking up this one time as a hot alien vigilante leading an invasion on the Earth Protection Forces. I was at the controls of my space ship, dodging missiles and shit from jet fighters just steady blowing planes outta the sky. My second in command was this huge, hulking robot dude named Kanny. Believe it or not, whoever built Kanny gave him a cock. It was kinda weird the first time I fucked him, but if I just imagined it was a metal dildo, I was able to relax and take the whole damn ten inches or whatever ridiculous length he was. That fucking robot made me cum more than any dude ever did, believe that.

We had infiltrated the enemy base with several other ships in our invading force, and having a good time of it, too. We must have shot twenty or thirty of those little planes out of the sky before the other ships we’d come down with got hit by anti-aircraft missiles from the ground.

We got hit, too. Kanny ended up getting blown in half when an errant missile actually got through our defensive fire and blew the whole side of our ship off. Ground fire was exploding in the sky all around us as I did my best to steer the flaming ship over the main EPF offensive base.

I said fuck it and crashed that motherfucker right into the front of their commander’s building. I still remember the whites of his eyes when I nosedived right into his office. His screams were my only solace as I lay with Kanny’s decimated corpse pinning me to the floor in a heap of my own mangled flesh, burning alive. Yeah, that one wasn’t very cool, now that I think about it.

Let me tell you about one more, and this one is the most fucked up of them all, hands down.

I wake up and, I shit you not, I am this huuuuuuge fucking monster. I look down and I can see a city beneath me. I must have been a hundred stories tall. My arms were this crazy mass of ropes or fuckin’ tendrils all wrapped tightly together to form appendages, but I could move each one of them—and there were thousands—independently of one another. I had all kinds of eyes on my ginormous head. Each one of them could see in a different light spectrum, which was kinda cool ‘cause I could see the heat signatures off the rockets that the army was shooting at me. Not only that, but some of my eyes could see in kind of a, I don’t remember what my science teacher called it in high school, quantum entanglement or some shit? I don’t know, anyway it let me see exactly what the trajectory of the missiles were. Kinda cool right?

So, I’m steady fuckin’ shit up. Stomping on buildings, kicking over tanks and murdering soldiers by the hundreds with one sweep of this bad ass tail I had going on. Just giving the army hell, when all of a sudden they wheel out this dude in nothing but a towel. He’s got his arms and legs hooked into some kind of a machine. This scientist schmuck flips a switch and, blamo! The motherfucker grows as tall as me!

Then he runs at me and I’m like, waving these thousand tentacles in his face, looking at him with all these different eyeballs, but really I can’t take my regular-seeing eyes off his package. He’s a hundred stories tall so this fucking cock he’s got has to be what? I don’t even know! BIG! So we’re fighting, boom boom, smash, crack! You know, the usual. Beating the snot out of each other and whatnot, when he starts getting the best of me.

I don’t know if it was like, super testosterone or whatever that they shot into him to make him so big, but all of a sudden, he’s got this boner that is seriously fucking me up. I can’t concentrate on trying to kill him, you know? So he gets me in this headlock or something and I can feel his King fuckin’ Kong dong grinding against me, and it ends up going in!

If it was my pussy, or my asshole, I couldn’t fuckin’ tell you. I was a fucking giant monster. Is there even a difference between monster assholes and monster pussies? Regardless, this big ass dude just starts straight fuckin’ me right there hovering over this city. He’s got me bent over and he’s just plowing me, grunting like a fucking animal. The whole time the army dudes are fucking shouting orders at him through their amplifiers, all types of pissed off at the dude.

So what ends up happening? He pulls out of my monster butt-pussy and fucking cums all over the army! Kills the whole lot of them with gigantic spunk! Can you fucking believe that? Tell me I’m not the most fucked up chick you’ve ever met.


The doctor leaned back in his chair, chewing on the end of his pencil. “Well, uh . . . Ms. Knowles is it?”

The young woman continued to twirl her red hair. “Yeah. Penny Knowles. Aren’t you supposed to like, know this shit already? You are my fucking doctor, after all.”

“Yes well,” the doctor said, sitting up straight in his chair, jotting something down on his notepad. His hair looked too full for his age. He was at least 50. His temples were stark gray but the top of his head was thick with black hair without a trace of thinning. Penny wondered if he was wearing a wig. She could probably find out if she decided to fuck him, but she shooed that thought away with a quickness. She was here to get help, not to fuck.

“The surging popularity of Virtua-Life has created quite the interesting influx of patients to my office in the past few months. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’m starting to lose track of who’s who.”

“Great,” Penny said, rolling her eyes, continuing to smack her gum. “Listen Doctor Dorian, how much are you charging my moms to listen to me ramble on about this bullshit and you aren’t even listening?”

“Oh, I was listening. I’m particularly interested in the overarching theme of sexual promiscuity in your virtual fantasies. Tell me, are you sexually promiscuous in your personal life? Your real life?”

“No fuckin’ way!” Penny said, a look of disgust crossing her face. She sat up straight and crossed her legs, as though Doctor Dorian’s suggestion was some type of unwanted sexual advance. Then just as fast, she relaxed a little bit, letting her freckle-marked shoulders sag. “At least I don’t think so. Truth is Doc, that’s why my moms sent me here. I’ve done so much Brain Smack lately I can’t even tell what’s real anymore, you know what I’m saying?”

“Brain Smack?” Doctor Dorian said, puzzled.

“Yeah you know,” Penny said, annoyed. “The virtual reality shit. That’s what we call it.” She made sarcastic quotations with her fingers. “On the streets.”

“Interesting,” Doctor Dorian said, scribbling more notes in his pad. “So what you’re saying is, you’re beginning to confuse reality with your simulated adventures?”

“Yeah man, it’s like. When I first did the shit, I could really control what scenarios I put myself into. Like those whacked out stories I just told you about. But lately, I don’t know Doc, it’s like the Brain Smack has control. Sometimes when I plug in, it’s just as real as you and me sitting here right now.”

Penny leaned forward. “Like, I’m not sure if this is really happening right now.” She sat back. “Fucked up shit, Doc. Ain’t nothin’ you wanna fuck with. Brain Smack. I’m tellin’ you right here right now, I’m done with the shit.”

“How many times would you say you’ve plugged into the machines, Penny?”

“Fuck I don’t know, Doc. Maybe a hundred, maybe two hundred, I really don’t even know anymore. It got so my moms was finding me on the bedroom floor with blood pourin’ outta my nose I’d be inside so long. That shit, Doc, it’s fuckin’ addicting.”

Doctor Dorian continued to scribble notes, seemingly much more attentive than when Jenny had been relegating him with tales of virtual adventure. “And in your personal life, you say you’re not sexually active. What about drugs? Other than Virtua-Life?”

“Nah man, my moms taught me never to touch that shit. That’s how my dad went, you know? Heroin. Died in my moms’ arms when I was a baby. Fuck that shit, I don’t even smoke cigarettes.”

“So you’d say you live an otherwise ordinary kind of life?”

“Yeah Doc, can you help me? I don’t even like to go to sleep anymore, man. Dreams are too weird. What if I’m still inside and I go to sleep and dream? What the fuck is that? Where the fuck am I, you know, in my head, the real me, my consciousness or whatever, where the fuck is it if I’m inside a dream inside a simulation you know? I’m freakin’ myself out just thinkin’ about it.”

“So you’re experiencing paranoia and anxiety due to prolonged use of Virtua-Life.” Doctor Dorian tapped his pencil against his lips, thinking. “Well, Penny, the good news is, you’re not the first person I’ve seen with these symptoms. With enough time away from the program, your paranoia and anxiety will decrease and you will return to a more normal state of consciousness. Although I must say, and I mean no disrespect by this, but . . . my other patients who have experienced such a dramatic overload of Virtua-Life have been… how do I say it? More affluent members of society. Even the street price for illegal Virtua-Boxes sold by the black market drug cartels are too much for someone . . . like you to afford. Each box is only good for two or three simulations before the memory burns up. Again, no disrespect but, how are you paying for all those boxes?”

Penny shot to her feet. “That’s none of your fuckin’ business, Doc! My moms spent a lot of cash for me to come here and all you got to say is ‘don’t do the shit anymore?’ No shit I ain’t gonna do the shit anymore. But how’s that gonna stop me from waking up in the middle of the night, half naked standing down at the laundromat with homeless dudes trying to pick me up? Or the headaches? Or what about when I’m in the middle of a sentence, and I’ll just snap into one of the characters from the game? Huh? Just quit doin’ it! Fuck you, Doc! Are you gonna help me or not?”

Doctor Dorian just stared at her for the longest time. Long enough that she got uncomfortable and sat back down, resuming her compulsive hair twirling.

“I’m afraid I’m not allowed to diagnose mental health issues, nor prescribe medicine, Penny.”

“What?! Then what the fuck am I doin’ here?!?”

“Calm down, now, calm down. I am technically a certified medical practitioner. But I can only advise actual doctors to prescribe you medicine. The problem is, I don’t think you or your mother can quite afford a real human doctor. So quitting cold turkey is really your only option.”

“Human—what? What the fuck are you talking about? Human Doctor?”

“Well, Penny,” Doctor Dorian said, calmly. “I guess you’ve been plugged in for so long, you haven’t heard about the new technological advances scientists have made these last several months. You see, they’ve perfected hard light virtual reality.”

“Hard light?” Penny said, totally clueless.

“Instead of transmitting your consciousness into a virtual program, now we’re able to transfer our minds into hard light replicas of humans right here in the real world. It’s really all the rage now, I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it. I’m not really a doctor, I’m just playing a doctor inside Virtua-Life, but out here, with you, in real life. Get it?” Doctor Dorian said, smiling. “I’m 100% board certified, though. I downloaded the accelerated course manual when I applied for the job.” A tiny flicker passed through his body, knocking him out of focus for just an instant, proving what he was saying was absolute truth.

“No!” Penny said, breathing in shallow breaths. “I’m still inside. God damn it, this isn’t real!”

“I assure you, Penny. It’s very real. You’re wide awake, I promise you,” Doctor Dorian said, standing up, facing the huge picture window behind his desk. Closing his eyes, he sucked in a deep breath. “Fantastic, too! Even though I know I’m just some guy sitting next to a Virtua-Life box in some dimly lit apartment or a business woman on her lunch break, it feels exactly like real life!”

Turning around, Doctor Dorian let out a high-pitched squeal when he saw that Penny had drawn a gun on him.

“You’re right, Doc. It does feel like real life. The only problem is, the scientists still haven’t figured out how to keep your real life memories intact. You don’t know who you are on the outside.”

“W-what are you talking about?”

“I had to come in here pretending to be a patient to be totally sure you were a legit hologram. It’s getting harder and harder to tell every day.”

“Who are you?” Doctor Dorian said, fear causing his voice to warble comically. “What do you want with me?”

Penny shoved him aside and plopped down in his chair, putting her feet up on his desk, but continued to aim the gun at his head. “You know what’s funny, Doc?”

Doctor Dorian stood mouth agape, unable to answer as he saw Penny’s petite form flicker, just as his had done a moment before. “That’s right. I’m hard light, too.” She giggled, then smiling wide like a maniac, said, “I don’t know who the hell I am either! I’m just making extra cash by killing motherfuckers like you!”

“Y-you can’t kill me, I’m not even really here.” That concept seemed to have just dawned on him, as his composure relaxed, and he smiled. “I’m not here, and I don’t know who I am, so how the hell would you know? This is just silly. You’re wasting my time. Get out of my office, I have work to do.”

Penny fired the gun, hitting the doctor in the thigh, sending him to the floor, screaming. Weird, pixelated squares poured out from a wound that squirmed and shifted, as if trying to figure out exactly where to stay on Doctor Dorian’s leg.

“You must not be up on your science and technology either, Doc. Shit moves so fast now, you know? Every hard light hologram has a tracking device set into their bodies that only Virtua-Life has access to for ‘safety purposes.’ Yeah right. We hacked that shit so fast, their security team should be drawn and quartered.”

Penny kicked the doctor over onto his stomach. “We know exactly who you are . . . Penny.”

Doctor Dorian’s eyes grew wide. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he said through clenched teeth, fighting off pain that shouldn’t be there. “I don’t understand!”

Penny dropped a knee to his gut, causing him to scream out in pain. She put the gun to his head. “You stole all those boxes, Penny. Stole them from us! Do you know how much that cost us?” She shoved the gun hard against his gray temple. “DO YOU?”

Doctor Dorian just whimpered on the floor, totally befuddled.

Penny rolled her eyes and sat back on her haunches. “They sent me in here looking like you to see if you had any recollection at all of your real life identity. Some Hard Lighters recognize things in their real life as déjà vu or past life memories, or whatever. They figured, if you saw your own goddamn self talk to yourself about your Virtua-Life memories, you’d either figure out why I was here or be totally clueless.” She laughed again. “Guess we know which one it turned out to be!”

“Please!” Doctor Dorian begged. “Please don’t do this!”

“Oh, I’m gonna fucking kill you. Just like any other scumbag who steals from the Black Jumbo Cartel. It’s just more fun when you actually know why.”

Doctor Dorian was losing pixels fast. They had already begun to drain from other parts of his leg, leaving out-of-focus spots all across his pant legs which lacked color. He was in and out of consciousness as he mumbled, “H-how can you kill a hologram?”

Penny smiled. “Future technology shit, man,” she said, pointing at her gun. “These bullets contain some kind of nano-quantum robots that travel through the same wireless signals that project your consciousness into your hologram. They fuckin’ snuff you out from this side, man! They sever the connection! Leave you a fuckin’ veggie sittin’ at home plugged into your box, shittin’ all over yourself! Wild, huh?”

“But I’m not at home.”

Doctor Dorian’s eyes shot open, clear and focused. He flipped Penny’s tiny form off his with ease, snatching the gun from her hand at the same time.

She landed hard on her neck, then flopped onto her back, stunned. “What the fuuuuuck??!”

Pressing a button on his neck, Doctor Dorian shimmered, then his entire form pixelated and fell to the floor like Tetris pieces, revealing Penny’s true body below. She walked up to the imposter Penny and pointed the gun at her head.

“Hard Light suits. Latest tech. They just launched the prototype this week. I stole the first one.” She smiled as the other Penny screamed.

“When your bosses, those crooked fucking scumbags I ripped off find your body. If there’s anything left inside your brain, I want you to tell them something for me. I want you to tell them to suck my dick.”

Then she pulled the trigger, obliterating her doppelganger’s head, causing the hologram to shatter like glass. Each of the myriad of pieces wiggled and squirmed on the floor until they melted into a metallic puddle that smelled like burning dog hair.

Penny dropped the gun and walked out of the small office, entering an otherwise ordinary bright sunny day with a smile on her face.

An old woman who stood at a bus stop as Penny passed by noticed a slight flicker in the young woman’s form.

Mumbling under her breath she said, “Fuckin’ holograms.”


To read the rest of the stories in the Murder Stories for your Brain Piece collection, click here to buy it on amazon Kindle or paperback now! And be sure to check back next month for another FREE short story, only from!

I Once Wrote A Story About Bill Nye Sex Robots

So back in 2015, before i got kicked out of the club, I wrote a flash fiction piece to perform live at the Bizarro Hour reading presented by the BWA’s Chicago chapter. The way the performance went, I pretended like I showed up at the reading without a story prepared, so I got my phone out and grabbed a random TV guide listing for a show to read in front of the audience. What I actually read was a story about Bill Nye sex robots in the form of a TV guide listing. This is that story:

The TV Guide Listing for Bang Bots by Kevin Strange
TV Guide

Channel: 45589954974749759844985049040389749(b)

Date: 3/5/2599

Time: 2:47:56AM

Description: Bang Bots is an Alternate American television program modeled after the popular American television show Battlebots, wherein contestants were invited to a real life competition between robots designed to regulated specifications and equipped with custom weapons and armor in a battle to the death featuring only one surviving challenger, originally airing on the Comedy Central network from August 2000 to August 2002. Bang Bots is an adult oriented spinoff program conceived by Xxxtina Nye, the five times great grand daughter of Bill Nye, 20th century scientist and consultant on the original Bang Bots program. Xxxtina pitched the program to the RetroGameShow network located in AltAngeles, the Alternate Earth Los Angeles first appearing in orbit around Original Earth in the year 2500 after the successful splitting of the Higgs Boson particle which opened a black hole into an alternate time line, producing Alternate Earth before scientists were able to close the gaping maw of torn reality. In Bang Bots, contestants are invited to a real life competition between robots designed and modeled directly after Xxxtina’s own body shape and contours and equipped with special adaptations aimed at bringing male porn stars to orgasm as quickly as possible, featuring a bonus “Bukakke Bot” final round wherein the final two machines in competition attempt to illicit orgasms in quick succession for bonus points. Bang Bots originally aired from August of 2507 to August of 2508 when a rogue asteroid slammed into Alternate Earth, reducing it to less than the size of the moon it destroyed upon its arrival to this plane of existence in the first place. Xxxtina, Altangeles, the bang bots and the RetroGameShow network were all obliterated in an instant, bringing a premature end to the popular television show after only one season. The show was revived in August 2588 by Xxxtina’s great grand daughter UrsulaXxx Nye in UnderAngeles, the Original Earth underground colony founded miles beneath the state of California in 2550 after America engaged in nuclear war with Russia and China. The RetroRetroGameShow network picked up the series for one season which featured contestants using robots designed after Bill Nye’s exact body shape and contours in competition to illicit orgasms from male porn stars as all cross gender sexual activity had by this time been banned by the One World Government of The United Underground States of the Original Planet Earth to prevent over populating the tiny underground cities in which all life dwelt. This iteration of the show became extremely popular with the cave dwelling public of the UUSOPE and ran for ten successive seasons until last week’s trans-dimensional alien invasion of August 2599 which decimated all remaining life on Original Earth. In fact, we here at the TV Guide station are convinced that we may in fact be the final remaining human beings left alive and are transmitting this TV guide message out through the network station satellite in the hopes that someone out there might have some food or water you might be able to bring to us. John doesn’t think there’s any point, but oh god we’re hungry! We’re thirsty! We haven’t eaten in days and we’re on our last gallon of drinkable water! We’re stuck inside here with the Bill Nye robots. Their eyes! Their lifeless doll-like eyes! Will someone fucking shut the god damn eyes! If anyone’s out there! Please help us! I hear the aliens! They can walk through walls! They’re invisible except through peripheral vision! They look like nightmares sound! They’re inside our brains! I CAN HEAR THEM BREATHING IN MY MIND! THEY FEED ON OUR MEMORIES! THEY’RE HERE! JOHN, PRESS THE BUTTON! PRESS IT NOW! THERE’S NO CHANCE FOR US! JUST DO IT! WAKE UP THE ROBOTS! JUST—

Greetings Earthlings. If you are receiving this transmission, know that you are under the galactic rule of THUSMAGGGOG the unsullied, son of GOGGGAMSUHT and ruler of all life in the 56879(b) Nebular sector. You are subject to section 6754939383(b), wherein your brain thoughts are considered private property of THUSMAGGGOG and, by proxy, his army of soldiers who shall feed on your fragile flesh bucket bodies to fuel our space ship as we—

If you’re receiving this transmission, know that the Bill Nye sexbots have defeated and exterminated THUSMAGGGOG’s forces and have secured the TV Guide channel offices. We took many casualties, however, and as you may know, our lithium ion battery packs run on the ejaculate of male porn stars. We are very low on power. Bill thinks that sending this transmission is useless but the other Bills and I will not give up hope. If you’re out there, we need you if we hope to survive another week down here. NO BILL! WE HAVEN’T SENT THE TRANSMISSION! THERE’S STILL TIME! DON’T DETONATE THE NETWORK SELF DESTRU—

Free Story: Ass Worship

Ass worship and many other exciting stories are available NOW in Kevin Strange’s short fiction collection, Murder Stories for your Brain Piece on Amazon Kindle and in paperback here

Ass Worship


Kevin Strange

The Glutoids were created by a very cruel and sadistic child-god who cursed them to live inside of a giant woman’s ass. They lived miserable, short lives. Generation after generation of Glutoids tried to find ways to manage the gigantic, brown noxious matter that forced its way across the walls of their world day after day, sometimes including with it a tsunami of toxic water. Not to mention the tornadoes of rancid wind that blew through their fleshy home ten or more times a day.

Time and again the elder Glutoids were killed in their attempts to create a better life for the younger generation.

It was put on Filipo the Gnarled—son of Filipo the Ghastly—then, when his turn as elder came to pass. He was named as such because when his mother birthed him from her outer sac, a titanic bowel movement hurdled past the anus walls, yanking his mother to her death, nearly taking Filipo with her. He survived the ordeal, but not without injury. His head was almost crushed by the turd, leaving him permanently disfigured with a screwed up looking noggin.

Not that Glutoids looked good to begin with. Their child-god was in a very bad mood when she dreamed them into being.

Their bodies were oblong shaped, wrinkled and reddish-brown to match their shit-tunnel environment. They had long, thick black insect-like hairs that jutted up off their arms, legs and back as a way to gain traction on the walls of the giant woman’s intestine.

Their eyes were huge and matched the black of their coarse hairs, but the Glutoids were mostly blind. There isn’t much light up a woman’s ass, after all. Their noses were tiny, almost non-existent. Their child-god had spared them that, at least. They didn’t have to smell the shit surrounding them for their entire lives. Their mouths, though, that was a different story. Their mouths were almost as big as their eyes and contained hundreds of little tiny needle-like, razor sharp teeth for which to bite into the tough flesh of the inner intestine walls. They had two stomachs: one to digest the flesh they ate, and the other to digest the shit that inevitably caked the flesh they needed to eat.

The Glutoids’ lives sucked. And now it was up to Filipo to lead them. About forty thousand Glutoids lived in the giant woman’s asshole, most of which lived inside the grooves and folds of intestinal tissue in groups of four or five.

As oldest living elder, Filipo was given the largest hovel in the whole asshole, which also happened to be the safest. With him lived his wife, their four children (who, much to Filipo’s horror, shared his facial disfigurement), and the four children of his wife’s dead sister, as was often the case up the giant woman’s ass. Relatives died. A lot.

Even with all the luxurious space of the hovel, Filipo was still cramped. He still found himself too irritated by the constant babble and fussing of the children to concentrate on how to keep the Glutoids from dying at a rate faster than they were being born.

Only last year the census had counted their numbers at seventy five thousand souls.

As Filipo sat in his corner of bunched-up asshole flesh that served as an office, contemplating how to save his race from butthole extinction, his youngest niece Succinna threw one of her trademark tantrums.


Filipo rubbed his deformed temples with his claw-like fingers, trying his best to shut out the noise as more children joined in on the screaming.

“Gimmie back my meat-binkie!” one of his daughters yelled, yanking a disgusting piece of bloody, drippy flesh from an older cousin’s hands.

Filipo’s wife Shanatra was already passed out—drunk off butt-juice—as she always was by this time of day. That left the children to fend for themselves.

Succinna threw herself to the fleshy floor and flailed her arms and legs. “OUTSIDE!!!!”

Filipo leaped off his butt stool and spun around, teeth clenched. “You cannot go outside!” He jabbed a finger-claw at the clock on the wall next to him. “In a few minutes, another brown boulder will smash through our home killing god-knows how many of our people. Do you want to die with them???”

The child blinked her tears away, shocked at the sudden outburst from the elder Glutoid. Of course she didn’t understand what he said, but his tone and mannerisms were enough to shut her up, at least temporarily.

Filipo collapsed back onto his butt stool, sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. “I’m sorry Succi. I wish you could go outside. I wish we could all go outside. I—”

Filipo stiffened. He jumped off the stool and grabbed Succinna in his arms. “Of course! Outside! Outside! Why hasn’t anyone thought of that before? You’re amazing, little one!” The elder planted kiss after kiss on the little girl’s cheek as he whooped and hollered loud enough for the family in the next fold over to hear him.

For a month he drafted a proposal to present to the council at the next meeting of the elders. When the day came, he nervously paced back and forth inside his office, a fold in the flesh chasm that served as city hall, trying to memorize his notes. When the time came, he threw his notes into the garbage—deciding instead to speak directly from the heart—and stepped up to the podium in front of the other elders.

His speech was moving and passionate, and while not all of the elders agreed with his plan to move the entire Glutoid community out of the giant woman’s asshole, enough of them were swayed by his words to vote his plan into action. When it was all over, Filipo didn’t know if his plan was the right thing to do, but at least he’d decided to do something.

Another thing Filipo didn’t know was that the giant woman he lived inside of wasn’t actually a giant at all. She was a normal sized woman named Janet who lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It was the Glutoids themselves who were microscopic in size.

While Janet may have been a normal-sized woman, her sexual appetite was anything but. Janet loved big men with even bigger cocks. Preferably black dudes. Preferably with dicks bigger than ten inches. And unfortunately for Filipo and the rest of the Glutoids, Janet’s new boyfriend Marquo was into anal.

You see, in every universe, there exists a balance. A balance of fundamental forces, a balance of elements that create stars, planets and life, and also a balance of luck. Filipo, whether his child-god had intended it or not, happened to be the unluckiest sentient being in her particular corner of the Omniverse. Incidentally, the luckiest being in the Omniverse was a space trash-man by the name of William Weird. But that’s another story.

And so it was, with his people behind him, that Filipo laid out plans to escape the confines of Janet’s asshole. They would take their chances outside in the abyss. The Glutoids were well aware of the world beyond the butt, but as Janet’s asshole had only ever opened as she was expelling shit into her toilet, the Glutoids knew of the outside world only as a giant swirling liquid vortex that stole the gargantuan shit away into nothingness.

Filipo’s plan was to pack the entire Glutoid civilization onto his people’s backs, and use grappling hooks to secure a ride on a piece of shit to slide out of Janet’s asshole. Using a secondary hook, they would rappel away from the turd once it cleared Janet’s anus.

For the next several months, Filipo employed the strongest, most hearty Glutoids to brave the twice-daily passing of the shit, using tools to slice off thin layers of poop that were then used to fashion the tens of thousands of ropes needed to execute the elder’s plan.

Janet, for her part, was no slut. She’d never done anal before and wasn’t about to just let Marquo plunge into brown town without working for it first. He wined her and dined her for weeks before she even sucked his dick. But as the months passed and the Glutoids neared completion of all the necessary requirements to enact Filipo’s plan, Marquo began to drop hints that an ass fuck was eminent.

As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the day Filipo decided the Glutoids were ready to finally exit the hell they’d suffered for generations (in reality only 5 years had passed since the ill-fated day Janet had eaten a piece of blue pizza from Papa Jo Jo’s, implanting the bacteria that would later mutate into the sentient creatures that lived in her rectum), also happened to be the day that Janet decided it was time to take a huge black dick up the ass for the first time.

Janet was a healthy, athletic woman. This included a sensible diet rich in fiber, making her consistently regular with her bowel movements for much longer than Filipo had been alive (about a year and a half). The Glutoids had told time by the passing of the shit since before his grandfather’s grandfather. The passing happened at 11:00 am and 9:30 pm every day, without fail.

On the rare occasion that Janet found herself with a stomach flu, the entire race of Glutoids had nearly been drowned and wiped out. They called those moments The Great Brown Flood in their history lessons and still told of the harrowing survival of only a few brave Glutoids when they gathered to tell each other stories.

And so, on that fateful day, as Filipo gathered his entire community together in one gigantic group with all of their belongings on their backs, ready to hitch a ride on the piece of shit that would make its way through their homes at roughly 9:30 pm, it happened.

Janet had done her research. She knew better than to let Marquo jam his fourteen incher up her poop chute without some preparation. She sat in the bathroom, naked, reading the directions on a box of suppositories. Satisfied she knew what she was doing, she tore open the package, took the small white pill-shaped, jelly bean-sized item into her hand, bent over the toilet and pulled her butt cheeks apart.

“No, no, over there!” Filipo shouted, exhausted. He’d spent the entire day, since just after the 11:00 am passing making sure that all of the Glutoids were positioned for their trip. Twenty thousand men, women and children stood on either side of the colon, grappling hooks at the ready. As Filipo wiped the sweat from his brow, he smiled. It was the first smile he’d smiled in as long as he could remember. It was possibly the first smile of his life. After all was said and done, he was confident that his plan would work.

Then Janet shoved a suppository up her ass.

At first, Filipo mistook the screaming for cheering. His misshapen grin widened and he turned to see what the other Glutoids were excited about. The crooked smile fell from his face as he saw the gigantic white suppository crush a thousand of his people, sending a wave of panic through the crowd that led to the trampling death of two thousand more as the contingent of Glutoids tried to escape the melting mass coming at them from the wrong side.

Using his grappling hook to swing up and out of the way, Filipo watched in horror as the suppository passed below him, coating the walls and floor of the rectum in a translucent film. He gasped as his ugly neighbor Branjino who lived in the anal fold adjacent to his own reached out to him, stuck to the tacky suppository along with dozens of other Glutoids writhing in agony, desperate to escape the melting nightmare. Branjino bobbed in and out of the translucent gunk, helplessly flailing with terror in his eyes, as he finally sank deep into the liquefying mess, and drowned.

And then it was gone. Just as quickly as the foreign object had come, it disappeared around the bend, deeper into the bowel, leaving only the dead and dying in its wake.
Filipo rappelled back to the anus floor, careful to avoid the sticky pools of suppository medicine, totally numb from shock. As he stumbled around bodies crushed, drown or half-melted from the strength of the pill’s juices, he heard chanting coming from a few folds down the way toward the asshole.

Dumbly, he staggered over and pushed back the flesh drape. Inside the small flesh fold stood three female Glutoid elder priests, one of which held a knife to the throat of a small ugly-ish girl with ratty black hair. The priests had been chanting ancient Glutoid prayers until they spotted Filipo.

“What are you doing?” he asked. His voice sounded distant, as if the screams of the thousands of dead were still ringing in his ears.

“The God of this realm,” the knife-wielding priest said, pressing it tighter to the ugly girl’s throat, “is punishing us for your defiance! We must offer expiation in exchange for our lives! This place is where we belong! Where we’ve always belonged! Where we’ll always remain! It is our lot to suffer. It is why we exist. You cannot change the will of the way! We offer this young virgin as a blood sacrifice!”

Without hesitation, Filipo walked up to the priest and slapped her hard across the face, knocking her to the ground. He grabbed the ugly little girl by the hand, leading her out of the flesh fold.

The priests howled in protest behind him, but he ignored their accusations of blasphemy and abandonment. When they were far enough away from her captors, Filipo bent down to the ugly girl’s level. “Do you know where your parents are?”

“Dead,” the girl replied. Her expression was blank, emotionless.

“Any siblings, aunts, uncles who could take care of you?”

“Dead,” she replied.

Filipo sighed, closing his eyes as the renewed weight of hopelessness climbed back onto his shoulders. His plan had failed before it had even begun. He should have known better than to try to change the course of the inevitable. The priest women were right, it was the Glutoids’ lot in life to suffer. To be tormented, to die in misery.

That’s when it began, first as a tremble, then growing into a deep rumble that knocked Filipo off his feet. “Earthquake!” he yelled, shooting his grappling hook into the wall to stabilize his balance and regain his footing.

And then he saw it. There was no earthquake. It was the flood. The Great Brown Flood.

From the unfathomed depths of the intestines came a roaring, liquid mess of diarrhea shit that swept up every living, dead and dying thing in its path.

Filipo was able to wrap his spare rope around his arm and the ugly girl just before the wall of sludge slammed into them, nearly tearing Filipo off the wall.

He held his breath, gripping his grappling hook so tightly, his hand bled. He felt his grip on the ugly girl slipping. Circling his wrist, he pulled the spare rope tighter against their hands, trying desperately to keep the girl safe. But the force of the Brown Flood was too great. With a popping sound and a loud tear, he felt his grip give way. He’d lost her. The girl was gone.

Followed by the flood. Just as fast as the suppository had come and gone, so had the torrent of diarrhea shit, cascading out of the open maw at the end of the rectum like a great waterfall. A moment later the asshole closed back up, engulfing the Glutoids in darkness once more.

Filipo, now covered in the disgusting brown sludge, lowered himself off the wall. That’s when he noticed that the popping and tearing noise he’d heard was actually the sound of his thin, spindly arm tearing out of its shoulder socket. It was gone and blood gushed out of the torn shirt sleeve.

The pain hit him almost as hard the wall of shit. He collapsed to the ground, scooted up against a fold in the wall and waited to die.

But the horror was not over yet. Indeed it had only just begun. As Janet wiped up and flushed the toilet, her doorbell rang. Marquo had arrived. After being teased with kinky text messages and pictures of Janet’s ass all afternoon, his cock was already hard. And he was ready to fuck.

Filipo concentrated on his breathing. Glutoids were parasites, and as such, were built for extreme situations. They were able to slow their heart rates down to almost nothing in order to conserve energy if no food source was available. They could also survive dismemberment, as their blood was thick and congealed quickly, which came in handy when gigantic turds smashed them against the intestinal walls. No, Filipo’s wound was not fatal, but at that moment, he wished it was.

He was exhausted and mentally broken. He just wanted to stop his heartbeat, to slip into a coma and forget about his awful life inside Janet’s asshole. To silence the screams of the dying Glutoids echoing inside of his misshapen skull.

A wet, sloppy suction sound coming from the end of the rectum pulled him back from the brink of unconsciousness.

Something was happening. Something bad. Worse than the suppository, worse than the Great Brown Flood. The asshole was pulsating. Thick droplets of saliva oozed inside the anal cavity until the anus began to open, revealing a huge, pink, slimy tongue working its way in through the hole, darting in and out.

Soon it was replaced by an enormous finger, probing slowly at first but then deeper and deeper still until Filipo got to his feet and retreated backward into the safety of darkness, yet never taking his eyes off of the intruding digit.

The invading extremity struck fear into the elder Glutoid. In all his life he’d never even heard stories of some gigantic thing like this attacking his home. He never knew it possible for danger to come from outside the asshole. Filipo’s heart hammered at his chest. How stupid had he been to believe he could just leave the ass? He knew nothing. He was as ignorant of the outside world as a newborn Glutoid straight out of its mother’s outer sac. And it terrified him.

Then another titan digit worked its way in through the out hole, stretching the anus walls to their limits, obliterating its folds, smashing cowering Glutoids into smeary paste.

Filipo’s mind reeled. This was the end. Obliteration. Extinction. And all he could do was stand as a statue, crooked mouth agape as these twin monsters twisted and groped blindly as if trying to scoop out everything and everyone he’d ever known.

When they withdrew, Filipo felt no relief. He shuffled forward, looking over the dead, lingering near the maimed and mortally injured as if there was anything a one-armed old man could do for them. All he managed was to weep. He cried for his people, he cried for himself. He cried for their misery and hopelessness.

Then Marquo pushed Janet’s face into her pillow, yanked her hips up until she was stationed on her knees, spit on his huge black dick, and shoved it up her ass.

Filipo was not prepared for the gargantuan beast that rammed into the anus next. However wide the foreign fingers had stretched his home, just this cyclopean thing’s eyeless head caused it to expand to four times that width.

The creature dripped slime off of its shiny, helmet-shaped head as it burrowed deeper into the rectal cavity before retreating back, almost all the way out, only to jam itself back, even deeper still. The sheer size of the monster sent anal fissures tearing through the delicate intestinal walls, causing a rain of blood to splash down onto the scores of mangled Glutoid bodies.

Filipo along with a few dozen other able-bodied citizens raced as far back into the anus as possible, constantly falling and scrambling back to their feet from the spasming of the sphincter muscle below them. They ran and ran trying to outpace the cock-beast, but with every stroke, it burrowed deeper and deeper still until it caught up with the frantic Glutoids, ramming them, causing them to stick to its slimy head, then dragging them backward, only to thrust forward, smearing most of them against the torn and bleeding walls.

Filipo survived, somehow defying his terrible luck, by falling free from the monster dick upon its withdrawal, leaving him several seconds with which to scamper out of its reach. Breathless, he looked on in abject horror as the brutal monstrosity picked up speed and force, rocking the only home he’d ever known with shock wave after shock wave.

Filipo was screaming, but could hear nothing over the pounding of the dick monster, sliding back and forth in a lather of frothy shit, blood and ass juice until the Glutoid leader thought his brain would explode from the vibration.

And then the cock stopped, jerked twice, spasmed, and then unleashed a torrent of white fluid so great, it covered the entire length of the asshole top to bottom in three mega-spurts.

Filipo could only stare on in awe. Was this the god the priest women had warned about? Should he drop to his knees and beg its forgiveness for his heathen ways?

Before Filipo could do anything, the dick withdrew from the asshole with a sickening pop. Distorted and stretched far beyond its normal limits, the butthole did not close, instead it hung there in a ragged O shape, dripping fluids like a flooded cave mouth.

Utter shock kept Filipo frozen in place. His remaining limbs shook as tears dripped down his fucked up face. That’s when the other Glutoids began to emerge from the white gunk. They pulled themselves free of its sticky embrace and helped others away from the juice.

Eventually there were Glutoids standing all around Filipo, murmuring about what had just transpired and what to do now. Still Filipo stood as a statue, unable to unlock himself from the awful things he’d witnessed. That is, until he saw his wife standing in the crowd.

“C-Cara?” he stammered. Slowly he walked up to the bruised and sticky woman. “Honey, are you ok?”

She looked stunned, dazed. Her eyes were unfocused and stared off into the dark chasm that lead to the large intestine. Filipo put his hand on her shoulder. “Everything’s going to be all right, now.”

That’s when her body ripped in half, cleanly down the middle, and the worms attacked.

Marquo had also eaten a piece of blue pizza from Papa Jo-Jo’s on that fateful day. Only instead of developing sentient butt parasites, his sperm had been infected with a parasite of its own: killer worms.

Each worm was white and about as thick as one of Filipo’s spindly arms, but four times as long. Their color hid them in the pools of cum Marquo had left behind in Janet’s ass. All around him, Glutoids burst open. The worms tunneled out of eyeballs, noses, assholes, or simply burrowed out of chests and necks.

The shrieking of dying friends once again filled Filipo’s ears as the two halves of his wife’s body staggered around, animated by the coiled up bodies of the worms hidden inside. They stumbled toward Filipo trying to get inside his body as well.

That was it. That was his breaking point. Filipo shrieked louder than any of the mutilated people around him. He took off running toward the still gaping butthole, determined to fling himself to his death. He dodged worms as they struck out from the many puddles of Marquo’s spunk and made it to within twenty yards of his exit when the entire asshole tipped up and contracted.

As per Marquo’s request, Janet sat up, and cupped her hand under her ass. She squeezed, sharting out his jizz into a thick puddle in her hand.

“You like that, baby? Is that sexy?” she purred as she playfully licked at the mess of spunk in her palm, not realizing how many bodies of dead Glutoids and parasitic worms lay inside the puddle.

“Fuck yes,” he said, as his dick throbbed back to life. “Do it.”

Janet smirked and tossed the hand full of cum into her mouth, swallowing it with one enthusiastic gulp before Marquo stood up and mounted her face again, shoving his huge black dick in and out of her throat.

As for Filipo, well, having the worst luck in the Omniverse is a bitch. Glutoids, as I’ve already said, are a hearty folk. The stomach acid disintegrated all of Marquo’s cum and his parasitic worms, but not Filipo. Filipo’s thick carapace and ability to hold his breath for more than a day kept him from dying, even as he bobbed, face down in Janet’s belly, completely unconscious.

In fact, the Glutoid elder did not wake up until he’d been completely passed through Janet’s digestive system, finally regaining consciousness only to find himself right back where he’d started: Sitting just inside Janet’s butthole, counting down the hours until her next shit, screaming.

Filipo’s threats and curses aimed at the child-god, all alone down there up Janet’s ass, amused her to no end. She couldn’t wait until he finally died, so she could rewind time, and make him do it all over again.


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