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Kevin Strange’s Review of Rob Zombie’s 31

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“Murder school is now31poster_0 in session!”

My friend has this theory about Rob Zombie. It goes like this: Rob saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 only once, a long time ago, and he can’t remember the name of the movie.

So every film he makes is his attempt to recreate this elusive movie sitting in the back of his head that he just can’t quite place. My friend thinks that one day, someone is going to show Rob Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and he’s going to flip out like, “OH MY GOD! THAT’S THE MOVIE!”

And so it goes with his newest horror film, 31. Hike up the most barren mountain in the world and shout the name Rob Zombie and someone will ride up the mountain behind you with sled dogs just to give you their opinion on his entire filmography. He’s the most divisive horror filmmaker since Eli Roth.

And I don’t really understand why because he really does make pretty much the exact same movie over an over again. This should come as no surprise because he pretty much records the same album over and over again in his music. His style and form has deviated very little since White Zombie. So why do people expect him to re-invent the wheel every time he sets out to make a new horror movie? If you’ve seen three or more Rob Zombie movies, or if you’ve heard three or more Rob Zombie songs, you know what this guy is capable of! This is what he brings to the table. This is all he’s got!

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Me? I dig this shit. I’m white trash through and through. I dig his dirty, foul mouthed characters. His 70s aesthetic. His groovy soundtracks. His wordy anti-hero villains. His wife’s sexy butt.

I don’t know what exactly it is people who criticize him expect him to make. This elusive Rob Zombie movie that horror fanboys think he has in him. He makes very violent movies that star his wife. That’s all he’s ever going to do. If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. The next one, whatever it ends up being, will just be another slight variation on his trailer park horror gimmick. If you’re not sold on it by now, you never will be.

So 31. Some filthy pothead carnies are driving their piece of shit trailer to the next town to rip off some more locals when they’re ambushed by a group of lunatics who lock them in a giant industrial complex and set a group of sadistic killers lose to murder them violently one by one for the entertainment of several dainty bourgeois in powdered wigs and flowing garments surrounded by hot naked girls and lots of candles.

Stand out moments indoomheadclude a naked girl with a plastic blow up doll sewn into her skin with wires set as a trap by a pair of maniacal clowns wielding chainsaws. And a couple called Sex Head and Death Head who look like they fell right out of a Ramstein music video.

But the shining performance of this movie is Richard Blake’s Doom Head. The film is book ended by psychotic rants performed with shocking earnestness by this dude. He’s every bit as iconic in his delivery of Zombie’s dialogue as any of the nasty exploitation horror icons Zombie loves to pay homage to in these films. Doom Head is the god of this world and I for one hope we get to see some more of him in this 31 universe in the future. Here’s one white trash weirdo’s vote for 32, sooner rather than later.

Kevin Strange’s Suicide Squad Review

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Before social 12489243_1674589672821667_4430624289856009994_omedia, I didn’t have to justify liking movies that weren’t critically acclaimed. In today’s social media driven world, Rotten Tomatoes is king because it’s super easy to share a link with “88% certified fresh!” or “33% rotten LOLZ!”

The aggregate site adds up the number of reviews it decides are positive, and the ones that are negative, and uses that subjective formula to create its “fresh” or “rotten” percentage. That’s it. So if a lot of people kind of liked a movie just a little more than they disliked it, it’s “90% certified fresh!” or whatever, even though it’s considered by most people to just be OK.

You can explain this to people until you’re blue in the face, but it’s like explaining the lottery and the astronomical odds against you ever winning money. People do not get it. They just shrug. They want to be told what’s good and what’s bad. I’ve been saying this for YEARS now. People don’t want to invest the time in actually watching movies. They’ve decided if they like or dislike a movie based on the first couple of images or the trailer released by the studio. Actually shelling out the money and sitting in a theater for two hours is too much to ask from most people.

And that’s fine. Except that people like me who love weird movies, cult movies and bad movies end up finding ourselves trying to defend ourselves against a sea of mockery when we talk about a cool ass movie like Chappie or Batman Vs Superman because some guy named Butt Johnson from the Houston Chronicle said he kind of didn’t like it along with a hundred other professional critics on Rotten Tomatoes.

Anyway, Suicide Squad falls right into the same category. It’s trendy for fanboy types to shit all over DC movies for whatever reason. There has to be a Marvel Vs DC thing and nobody’s going to let that die anytime soon, apparently. It’ll be interesting to see how long this goes on. Warner Bros. ain’t gonna stop making DC movies, so I’m guessing by Wonder Woman or the Aqua Man movie, the nonsense will die off.

So Suicide Squad. If you’re looking for a Marvel comics Iron Man joke-a-second kid’s movie, you’re going to be disappointed. This ain’t Disney and it ain’t for kids. I’ve been a fan of David Ayer since he wrote Training Day. Most people Don’t even know he directed this movie or that he’s the dude that just made Brad Pitt’s Fury last year. He’s a FANTASTIC ensemble cast director and writes excellent dialogue. He knows how to handle bad guys in gritty situations and he did a great job here. I was actually surprised at the scope of this film, since most of his movies are very small and character driven. It was cool to see him handle a movie with so much action and special effects.

The Joker and Harley Quinn are highlights of movie. We get awesome scene after awesome scene between these two and I personally, as a life-long fan of Batman the Animated Series, couldn’t stop smiling at the fact that I was FINALLY seeing one of the coolest dysfunctional relationships in comics come to life in front of me. 

But Will Smith’s Deadshot was surprisingly heartfelt, too. I was into all his drama and even though there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot going on, story wise, I was totally into the movie and thought that The Enchantress and her magic was beautiful in IMAX 3D.

All in all, it’s not fucking The Cider House Rules or Driving Miss Daisy. It doesn’t fucking have to be. We don’t have to justify why we like our movies. The percentage of positive reviews from film critics means absolutely nothing to me today, never has before, and never will. I like what I like and I don’t owe an explanation to anyone.

Kevin Strange’s 10 Cloverfield Lane Review

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I was among the few who really enjoyed the first Cloverfield movie. It was heavily criticized for utilizing a found footage, shaky cam style to tell its story. That aside, I thought it was a well paced film that succeeded in creating engaging characters, a plot that made sense, and just enough giant monster chaos to satisfy this Kaiju lover. The latest Godzilla movie failed in all of those areas, for me. So this it’s high praise for me to say Cloverfield got it right.

10 Cloverfield lane, on the other hand, is cut from a new breed of “smart” films that I find ultimately unsatisfying. Ex Machina is another of these films. The scripts are so air tight, so contrived that their total lack of plot holes creates a boring experience for me. They’re like the perfect puzzle. No piece missing. No breath. No life.

Everything in 10 Cloverfield lane (except for John Goodman’s brilliant performance), all of the twists, turns, clues, swerves and reveals are precisely timed, delivered without flaw, one after another, after another until the finish. Much like the protagonist (or is she the antagonist?) in Ex Machina, these films feel void of substance. They come off like a really ambitious first effort from a film school student studying screenwriting. They get the mechanics right, but they don’t have a real story to tell.

Film is art. Art is flawed. Art raises questions, demands the attention of the audience. These films are so focused on their own perfect plot points, they forget to give the audience anything to think about. Critics love them, but as a fan, I’m left wishing we’d gotten a full on Cloverfield sequel instead. Shaky cam and all.